Mental health is a reoccurring topic in my life. At the age of eight I was diagnosed with ADHD and put on a prescription. I began to see therapists, psychiatrists, whatever they were called, they were all the same to me. In elementary school I was pulled aside from class for counseling. In middle and high school I was put in separate classes to better my focus on schoolwork. I had very few friends and felt distant from most of the student body. I was always told by my family to āfake it ātil you make itā but thatās as much damage control as putting a rug over a hole. The problemās still there, but by masking it you choose to ignore it until it becomes unavoidable.
For the myriads of mental health problems Iāve had growing up, itās only been in the past few years where Iāve started to work on addressing my emotions on my own. Training myself to not run away from each problem is tough when itās been baked into my brain by repetition, but slowly each day I feel like Iām making progress at addressing my mental health.
Pathologize This! #1 is an submission anthology zine created by Sarah Tea Rex. It consists stories and poems centered around mental health issues and topics. The stories presented address each authorās experience with their mental health and how they feel it is responded to by others.
One section that stood out to me was titled Not just and angry brown girl. It is about the authorās experience growing up in an immigrant family with a history of mental health issues, and how she fears being seen as s a burden to them. Her family immigrated for better opportunities, but she is afraid of being seen by them as ādumbā due to her mental health impacting her studies. This is compounded by her being a woman on color in a world held up by systemic racism, so the feeling of never fitting in was only worsened by her mental health. She would find solace in her college years, where she finds out about activism. Even then she still feels that she has no one to turn to for her OCD and anxiety. She says:
I am already an angry brown girl in a racist fucking world, how the fuck do I tell everyone that Iām crazy too?
She ends off with how she feels hurt by jokes that mock her for how crazy she is, because to her, itās not a joke, itās her life. The feeling of not āfitting inā is something that has haunted me for a long time. I’ve been ostracized by others by not knowing how to navigate social situations, either by not responding or saying something at the wrong time. Sometimes my anxiety would get so bad I began to stay away from all social situations. In recent years, my socialization skills have improved, and while I still have a long ways to go, I’m quite proud of how far I’ve come.
Another section that stood out to me, an untitled one, is about the authorās experience in listening to music from the late musician Elliot Smith.
A quick summary for those who donāt know him: He was a musician who suffered from ADHD and depression. During his childhood he was routinely abused by his stepfather, and he would struggle with addiction in his adult years.Ā Most of his music touches on his mental state through layered vocals and acoustics. He would sadly die in 2003 due to stab wounds. While the author refers to it as suicide, according to Wikipedia, the cause of his death is still undetermined.
The author writes that they, a mental health advocate, would often get questioned for listening to his music since he was someone who was thought to have killed himself over his mental health. While they say that the answer to those kinds of questions is complicated, they find that his music to speak to them on a level that touches them personally. They cite lyrics from one of his songs, No Name #1:
At the party he was waiting/Looking kind of spooky and withdrawn/Like he could be underwater/The mighty mother with her hundred arms
The lyrics arenāt the only aspect of his music that spoke to them. Smithās use of layering tracks over one another to create a dissonant effect while listening. Towards the end they state:
To me, listening to Elliot Smith is like listening to someone who knows my brain very well
As I also use media as a coping mechanism, this section resonated with me heavily. Music, as with every creative medium, can be a powerful outlet for when spoken words aren’t enough, and a beacon to those who feel invisible.
One other section that caught my, simply titledĀ Anxiety, details the author’s feelings towards anxiety in their life. They begin by comparing anxiety to a battle that must be fought. On some days they are victorious and are able to cull the feeling, but on most it takes a grip on their mind and dictates their actions. Entire days are lost to acting on autopilot as they grapple with the feeling behind the scenes. They fear that they’re being annoying for their constant need to be reassured by others.
They write about sitting in their dark room, overcome by paralyzing thoughts. During this, they recall when one of their therapists told them that they were ‘addicted to the romance of madness’. To that they say that she was crazy. It ends with them clinging to their childhood toy bear, affirming to themselves that things will get better.
Grappling with feelings of anxiety each day is an upwards battle for many, including me. It manages toĀ find aĀ wayĀ into every aspect of your life and control you from the inside. Unseen battled are fought each day. But still, I, and many others, persevere. We find sanctuary in friends, family and community.
Issues with mental health often feel like doom and gloom, and for the most part they are. ButĀ reaching out to someone you can trust when you need it most is how we win. Anxiety andĀ other related mental health conditions thrive on loneliness, but they can be thwarted by care.
Erica (she/they) is a QZAP intern working virtually for the blog. She is in her fourth year of school and second year at SUNY Purchase, studying New Media. They are queer in gender and sexuality. She enjoys photography, playing video games and working on her website.
