Zine of the Gay

Pathologize This!

Mental health is a reoccurring topic in my life. At the age of eight I was diagnosed with ADHD and put on a prescription. I began to see therapists, psychiatrists, whatever they were called, they were all the same to me. In elementary school I was pulled aside from class for counseling. In middle and high school I was put in separate classes to better my focus on schoolwork. I had very few friends and felt distant from most of the student body. I was always told by my family to “fake it ‘til you make it” but that’s as much damage control as putting a rug over a hole. The problem’s still there, but by masking it you choose to ignore it until it becomes unavoidable.

For the myriads of mental health problems I’ve had growing up, it’s only been in the past few years where I’ve started to work on addressing my emotions on my own. Training myself to not run away from each problem is tough when it’s been baked into my brain by repetition, but slowly each day I feel like I’m making progress at addressing my mental health.

Pathologize This! #1 is an submission anthology zine created by Sarah Tea Rex. It consists stories and poems centered around mental health issues and topics. The stories presented address each author’s experience with their mental health and how they feel it is responded to by others.

One section that stood out to me was titled Not just and angry brown girl. It is about the author’s experience growing up in an immigrant family with a history of mental health issues, and how she fears being seen as s a burden to them. Her family immigrated for better opportunities, but she is afraid of being seen by them as “dumb” due to her mental health impacting her studies. This is compounded by her being a woman on color in a world held up by systemic racism, so the feeling of never fitting in was only worsened by her mental health. She would find solace in her college years, where she finds out about activism. Even then she still feels that she has no one to turn to for her OCD and anxiety. She says:

I am already an angry brown girl in a racist fucking world, how the fuck do I tell everyone that I’m crazy too?

She ends off with how she feels hurt by jokes that mock her for how crazy she is, because to her, it’s not a joke, it’s her life. The feeling of not ‘fitting in’ is something that has haunted me for a long time. I’ve been ostracized by others by not knowing how to navigate social situations, either by not responding or saying something at the wrong time. Sometimes my anxiety would get so bad I began to stay away from all social situations. In recent years, my socialization skills have improved, and while I still have a long ways to go, I’m quite proud of how far I’ve come.

Another section that stood out to me, an untitled one, is about the author’s experience in listening to music from the late musician Elliot Smith.

A quick summary for those who don’t know him: He was a musician who suffered from ADHD and depression. During his childhood he was routinely abused by his stepfather, and he would struggle with addiction in his adult years.  Most of his music touches on his mental state through layered vocals and acoustics. He would sadly die in 2003 due to stab wounds. While the author refers to it as suicide, according to Wikipedia, the cause of his death is still undetermined.

The author writes that they, a mental health advocate, would often get questioned for listening to his music since he was someone who was thought to have killed himself over his mental health. While they say that the answer to those kinds of questions is complicated, they find that his music to speak to them on a level that touches them personally. They cite lyrics from one of his songs, No Name #1:

At the party he was waiting/Looking kind of spooky and withdrawn/Like he could be underwater/The mighty mother with her hundred arms

The lyrics aren’t the only aspect of his music that spoke to them. Smith’s use of layering tracks over one another to create a dissonant effect while listening. Towards the end they state:

To me, listening to Elliot Smith is like listening to someone who knows my brain very well

As I also use media as a coping mechanism, this section resonated with me heavily. Music, as with every creative medium, can be a powerful outlet for when spoken words aren’t enough, and a beacon to those who feel invisible.

One other section that caught my, simply titled Anxiety, details the author’s feelings towards anxiety in their life. They begin by comparing anxiety to a battle that must be fought. On some days they are victorious and are able to cull the feeling, but on most it takes a grip on their mind and dictates their actions. Entire days are lost to acting on autopilot as they grapple with the feeling behind the scenes. They fear that they’re being annoying for their constant need to be reassured by others.

They write about sitting in their dark room, overcome by paralyzing thoughts. During this, they recall when one of their therapists told them that they were ‘addicted to the romance of madness’. To that they say that she was crazy. It ends with them clinging to their childhood toy bear, affirming to themselves that things will get better.

Grappling with feelings of anxiety each day is an upwards battle for many, including me. It manages to find a way into every aspect of your life and control you from the inside. Unseen battled are fought each day. But still, I, and many others, persevere. We find sanctuary in friends, family and community.

Issues with mental health often feel like doom and gloom, and for the most part they are. But reaching out to someone you can trust when you need it most is how we win. Anxiety and other related mental health conditions thrive on loneliness, but they can be thwarted by care.


Erica (she/they) is a QZAP intern working virtually for the blog. She is in her fourth year of school and second year at SUNY Purchase, studying New Media. They are queer in gender and sexuality. She enjoys photography, playing video games and working on her website.

Zine of the Gay

Home is where the heart is – and the regime isn’t! – on Queers, Family, and the Squat Community

When I first heard the term ‘squatting,’ I was a 16 or 17 year old suburban teen, listening to Green Day on the school bus, doodling the Trans Anarchist symbol in my notebook margins, and wearing way too much eyeliner. I hadn’t read any real political theory, and most of the time I couldn’t fully grasp what I was reading from leftists online. What I did know was that I hated the government, and I knew I was hungry for radical change, whatever that may have meant to me at the time. As I searched for answers and information to fill in the gaps of my knowledge, I did so in the way most teens from my generation would. With the World Wide Web at my fingertips, I turned to Google and social media posts for my overview of the past couple centuries of political counter-cultural history. 

Of course, learning from strangers online has its downsides, primarily unfathomable bias and misrepresentation of the truth. The internet is a forum, and all opinions are welcome. 

One contested topic online, especially within alternative political and music-based subcultures, is always who is and is not a poser. One topic in particular, crust pants, seems to be consistently surrounded with this particular brand of scrutiny. Can anyone make crust pants? Are they only crust pants if you don’t wash them? If you hand wash them are you a poser, or only if you machine wash them? Is it or is it not stupid that crust punks don’t bathe? Are crust punks performative? Do you have to squat to be a crust punk? Is squatting performative? And toughest of all, who gets to decide?

It was through these kinds of online conversations that I discovered squatting. For those unfamiliar, a Squat, as defined by Brian Heagney’s ABC’s of Anarchy, an excerpt of which is included in today’s zine, is “an empty, vacant, or neglected structure that someone has decided to turn into a living space.”

I heard all kinds of things – squatting is fun, squatting is legal in some states, squatting is dirty, squatters share needles, squatters have unsafe sex and spread STIs, squatters are all performative, squatters are pretending to be homeless, squatting is resistance against owned property, and so on and so forth.

I didn’t really know what to think. Even as a teen, I think I knew I was missing too much of the picture to know what a squat really was. I do remember thinking, though, that it didn’t really matter if squats were great or not, because they weren’t for me. I had some understanding that if I, as a transgender person, were to launch myself into that scene, I would face othering, or even danger, and so, squatting would never have anything to do with me. I can’t tell you where I picked that up – but I felt it.

Zine cover, "Queers, Families and the Squat Community - spring 2011 - Volume 1" over image of people in city street.

While I’ve learned and read some here and there about the reality of squatting since, my general perception of the straight-ness of squatting has gone generally unchallenged until I happened upon today’s zine in the archive. Queers, Family, and the Squat Community is a 24 page zine by an individual named Kathleen about their experience and knowledge gained while researching the squat community in Amsterdam, or “the ‘Dam,” as they call it. 

Reading this zine, my initial overwhelm at the widely varying descriptions of squat culture makes total sense. Kathleen mentions the varying perspectives they heard, being told that there was no queer presence in squats, that queer squats had existed in the past, but no longer do, and that there were plenty for them to find, and where to look, and who to talk to. They detail attempts at interviewing a woman who lived in a squat, and who was a queer activist org member – but refused to take the interview, as she neither identified as a squatter, nor as queer! 

I think part of this wide variance in definition and experience is accounted for by the fact that queers and punks are historically groups of people that reject categorization. No squat is going to function the same, no queer person has the same definition of queerness and what it means to them, and that doesn’t mean one person is right and one is wrong. The beauty of these expansive labels or political identities is their fluidity. Kathleen includes statements from queer and squat-dwelling individuals in their zine, and while people’s definitions of queer and statements about queer squatting echo each other, no one’s definition is the same.

Image of person at a table with a banner, reads "When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes a duty"

On that note, this zine makes a point not to define a “queer squat” as one, definitive thing. In fact, Kathleen is concerned with quite the opposite, focusing on the fluidity of these terms, and furthermore, the stretchiness of the term “queer.” Kathleen gets into the term queer as a broader theoretical term, not strictly as one person’s gender or sexual identity, but as a broader umbrella for a way of existing outside of the bounds of the heteronormative culture, yes, but also the capitalist, racially oppressive, class divided, sexist, ableist, and all-the-other-ists superstructure we live within.

“Squatting—as a counterculture—has created a counterpublic, a network of people and places that operate outside of the dominant public sphere. Even if squats are not inhabited by people who identify with the word queer, they are queering space itself, by redefining how spaces can be used.”

They quote Jack Halberstam’s definition of queer space from his 2003 essay, What’s That Smell?: Queer Temporalities and Subcultural Lives: “the new understanding of space enabled by the production of queer counterpublics.” While I haven’t personally read the work that Kathleen is referencing, the topic of squatting, repurposing architecture for political reasons, and living outside the norm has me thinking a lot about a different piece written by Halberstam, written in 2018, 7 years after the creation of Kathleen’s zine.

In Unbuilding Gender – Trans* Anarchitectures In and Beyond the Work of Gordon Matta-Clark, Halberstam analyses anarchitecture in connection with transness and the process of transition, and furthermore, discusses the queerness of the anarchitectural works of Gordon Matta-Clark, an artist who, as Halberstam acknowledges, is not queer himself. However, through the inherent connection between anarchy – a rejection of the political superstructure – and trans*ness – a rejection of the superstructure’s imposition on the body, and a way of living outside of the rigidity of what is societally expected – the work can absolutely, unquestionably be called queer.  “We might take up the challenge offered by Matta-Clark’s anarchitectural projects in order to spin contemporary conversations about queer and trans* politics away from notions of respectability and inclusion,” Halberstam explains, “and towards the anti-political project of unmaking a world that casts queers and trans people (and homeless people and immigrants, among others) as problems for the neoliberal state.”

Person in shadow waving a flag with the combined trans and anarchist symbol. Following this line of thought, something like squatting, which may not be formally defined by connection to the lgbtq+ community, can absolutely be analyzed as a queer way of living. As Kathleen discusses, squatting breaks down barriers – not only larger barriers, like who should be able to live where, but also what a space can be. Kathleen shares that several of the people she interviewed talked about the importance of making art, which was supported by squats with free music studios and dance rooms, and became a place for parties to happen and communities to be built. The borders between living space and creative space, between private and public property, are blurred – a space for all, fluid, without rules. Sounds pretty queer to me! Additionally, people who may not be able to afford or access these kinds of spaces in a traditional capitalist society now have access to it for free. In this setting, connecting with fellow humans no longer has to take place in a paid to enter space. 

On top of this, squatting dissolves the imposed standard of a nuclear family, and who should, or can, share a living space. In the section “what’s a family?”, Kathleen delves into the fragility of the ‘traditional’ (western) construct of family, and the importance of expanded understanding of the term. 

“Family is a social institution that is most commonly understood to be comprised of people joined by blood or marriage. This definition of family, however, excludes thousands of relations that are just as valuable but do not look traditional.”

The folks Kathleen interviewed about family had varying definitions unique to their own feelings and experiences, similarly to their definitions of Queerness and of squatting, but all individuals stressed the importance of unconditional love (in the sense that the people you love unconditionally are your family, not that unconditionality is owed to relatives.)

So, while not every squat is labeled a ‘queer squat,’ or even has queer members, the action and disruption of the status quo that squatting is can be an incredibly queer thing, and lends itself, in many cases, to building queer community structures.

Illustration of a femme person holding a large pan, thinking "I could smash patriarchy with this."

Of course, These are all things that a squat can be. While I would love every squat in the whole wide world to be a paradise for all marginalized people, one key aspect of a squat is that a squat can be anything. Squats aren’t all queer friendly, far from it. Plenty of squats are built up off members with hostile and even dangerous prejudices against marginalized people. Additionally, people raised in oppressive systems often carry unchecked or unnoticed oppressive behaviors with us – and the subtler or more normalized they are, the harder they are to unlearn.Spray paint art - "Dear patriarchy, if I know how to make a cake, then I know how to make a bomb, so fuck off! - The Lavender Menace" In a section titled “the good, the bad, & the manarchists”, Kathleen addresses the prevalence of misogyny in the squat community. As they put it, “there may be no masters and no gods, but at the end of the day, who’s doing the dishes?”

Kathleen points out commonly overlooked ways that normalized misogyny and hierarchy can sneak their way past someone who isn’t on the lookout for it. In addition to these ways to spot a power imbalance, Kathleen provides readers with interviewee’s takes on what makes a squat a good squat, and an advice segment on successfully organizing a collective. Additionally, the last few pages are packed with resources, including detailed information about specific squats in Amsterdam and where to find them, and a further reading list. 

Oh – and of course, no anarchist zine is complete without a delicious recipe! As Kathleen puts it, “if there is no soup, I don’t want to be part of your revolution!” – and I couldn’t agree more. While I haven’t had the chance to test it personally, Kathleen’s (vegan!) pumpkin and sweet potato soup certainly sounds delicious, and I hope to try my hand at making it soon.

Kathleen's pumpkin and sweet potato soup recipe


Rowan (He/it/they) is an intern at QZAP in spring of 2026, focusing on Zine of the Gay posts specifically. He is completing his final semester at the Milwaukee Institute of Art and Design, and is a sculptor, zinester, and library lover. In their free time, Rowan likes to read, play puzzles and word games, and care for his concerning number of houseplants.

Zine of the Gay

I Knew a Boy who Bled

Trigger Warning for mentions of suicide attempts

Some Boys Bleed: A Zine of trans postcardsSome Boys Bleed is a zine written by Samb about his experience with dysphoria and how he eventually overcame it. The zine seeks to help other trans people who may be experiencing similar feelings of distress that he once did.

The first two pages of text give a striking description of the dysphoria that Samb had been feeling while performing for classical music, feeling that these performances were something that was inseparable from his identity. He described how his gender identity and singing countered each other, being forced to carry the burden of dysphoria while acting out gender roles that no longer fit him.

What was once something he felt he could walk away from was now rearing its ugly head towards him. Suddenly, he feels stiff and his voice falters as he walks into the studio. It gets to a point where he has to leave it because he was using his performance to hide from his problems. As he writes:

“I have used having a singing voice as an excuse to not explore what transitioning might look like for me”

Leaving with the full support of his teacher, he had time to reflect. Soon, he realized that the reason he’d been stricken with years of mental health issues and suicide attempts was because of his dysphoria. By going out and acting as someone he knew he never was had hurt him. He found immediate support from his mom, noting that sometimes it’s the people who know the least that offer the most comforting support. He finishes off by asserting that he will go through with his transition for himself. The silent recognition that comes with it is all he needs.

The zine included several block print illustrations, all drawn by Samb.

a lino block print of a person wearing briefs

The first shows a trans man binding his chest, all in red and engulfed in scratch-like flames. The illustration feels like a visual representation of the physical pain that can come with binding one’s chest, and the mental anguish that comes with dysphoria.

The next features several pairs of underwear, likely a way for Samb to parse his identity. The one following features two trans people passionately making out, with not a care for anything else but each other. After that is a much simpler illustration featuring a person in front of a gender-neutral bathroom as onlookers appear to judge them for their decision.

a lino block print of a person wearing briefs kneeling

The final illustration is the most striking one to me. It depicts a trans man, like the one form the first illustration. Here he is posing in underwear with top surgery scars on his chest. The illustration oozes with confidence, as if it’s screaming “This is me, and I love myself for that.”

The zine also includes a section titled Some Ways to be an Ally, a list of ways the reader can help their trans peers out. It includes topics such as practicing names and pronouns, not commenting on if someone passes or not, reading books or websites that focus on trans topics and talking about them with cis people, but one of them stood out to me in particular:

“Medical information is none of your business. Some trans folks take hormones, get surgery, (change names), some don’t – and it’s not a hierarchy of being “more trans”

To me, this may be the single most important part of the entire section, let alone the entire zine. If cis people get break conventional gender norms without being questioned, then trans people should also get this freedom. Hormone therapy and surgery is not the “goal” that trans people should be expected to reach, but rather an option for those who know it will help them feel fulfilled. No amount of ‘transness’ is owed to anyone at all.

I think back to my time in middle school. In the wake of gay marriage being legalized and queer topics being discussed on a wider scale, I felt like I was caught in the middle of crossfire. I’ve had thoughts like these pass through my mind before. Romance by logic shouldn’t always be between a man and woman, and things being tied to gender was weird. But for all the positive conversation that was going on around these things, there was also a load of negative content being shared online. Much of it was towards trans people, and I was being exposed to both at the same time. I had no idea how I was supposed to feel about it.

And then one day one, during a group counseling session, one of my friends would approach me, and come out as trans. In that moment I realized that trans people were real, and not just something that existed on my phone. Since he was too young at the time to get any form of hormone therapy, I naïvely told him that exercise could produce extra testosterone, (although true, it is not a replacement for HRT) as, in my mind, it would help him on his journey through transitioning. Even then, I never questioned his mannerisms or looks, since to me all I needed to know is that he was what he asserted himself to be – a trans guy.

He even supported me as much as I did to him when I came out as bisexual, supplementing the support I didn’t get from my mother at the time (though thankfully she would turn this around). He made me a lacquer-coated wooden charm with the colors of the pride flag. It has become one of my most cherished possessions.

Time passed, and eventually we saw each other less until he and his family moved down to Florida. Since then, I have learned more about myself, like how my gender and sexuality feel mold-able, like putty. I haven’t heard or seen him since, but I’ll always remember the mutual support we shared for each other.


Erica (she/they) is a QZAP intern working virtually for the blog. She is in her fourth year of school and second year at SUNY Purchase, studying New Media. They are queer in gender and sexuality. She enjoys photography, playing video games and working on her website.

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